Category: culture

Eastern Women in the West: Culture or Sexual Liberation?

Posted on by smeethajay

For most of my life I thought the talk about ‘the birds and the bees’ was just a thing of movies, where the parents would sit down their children to talk about sex. The year I started university was when I finally got ‘the talk’. Well, sort of, because what I heard sounded very different to the movies. Mine sounded something like this:

Sex happens between a husband and a wife for the purpose of making babies. It should only happen once you are married and never before. You should never let a guy touch you before you are married to him. Even if you truly believe he will marry you in the future there’s a possibility he won’t, and then nobody else will marry you. I know lots of guys pretend like they are liberal minded and willing to marry a girl who has had sex before, but they aren’t. They just say that so they can get a chance to have sex and then leave you. When a man is looking for a wife they only want a virgin girl, regardless of how liberal they might have pretended to be before that. Even if you have never had sex before but spend lots of time dating boys out in public – especially at night time – then society will still think you have had sex and are no longer pure enough to be someone’s wife. Then nobody will want to marry you and you will grow old alone.

What’s more is that these words came from a place of pure intentions and complete love. They told me this because they truly believed that what they were saying was fact. They were raised by a culture that taught them the values of ‘sexual purity’, and they were terrified that if I unknowingly breached those values I might not find a life partner and I would end up lonely. They just wanted me to be happy in life.

When I heard this I thought I knew better than to let their archaic cultural values influence me, to let them define me by my sexuality. I was wrong.

I found myself wasting lots of time wondering if my entire worth as a person was solely connected to my vagina. And if so, why was I bothering to prove myself to be an intelligent and ambitious university student, or a socially just humanitarian? Four years later and I am still trying to decide what percentage of my value is derived from the condition of my hymen.

It can be very confusing for an Eastern girl growing up in the West.

It can often take a significant toll on your daily life. You start getting socially anxious in ordinary situations. You’re regularly questioning how you should or shouldn’t act in order to fit into society. You feel torn between what is right and wrong based on the vastly different social perceptions from two unique cultures. It’s already hard enough finding your identity in this world, but trying to reconcile Eastern perceptions of women with Western perceptions proves emotionally taxing and can lead to depression.

Some of you might be thinking that surely nobody believes things like that these days, because for the most part the West has long since moved away from traditional expectations of female sexuality. However, the East has not.  These archaic views of sexuality are very common amongst culturally Eastern communities, regardless of their geographic location. In Eastern cultures it is not possible for women to be faithful to their cultural origins whilst also being sexually liberal.

But the same isn’t true for men.  A man’s value and worth are based on their accomplishments. Yet for Eastern women our accomplishments are overlooked if we are no longer ‘virgins’, and our worth is completely diminished. Why must I make a choice that my male counterpart is not required to make? How is it fair that Eastern women are judged by our sexuality when Eastern men are judged by their accomplishments?

Growing up in the West we are taught at school that men and women are equal. Growing up as an Eastern woman in the West I was taught the same, but with a caveat: that our worth as women is solely linked to our sexual purity, or lack thereof.

For Eastern cultures, the extent of gender equality should not stop at sexuality. So why are their words branded in my mind, still so hard to shake off?

How do Eastern women in the West reconcile our cultural roots and our sexuality? How do we change these social views? Or are we required to choose between the two?

Featured Image: Zac Quitzau Facebook: Zac’s Doodles

Skinny is Not a Prerequisite to Happiness

Posted on by jmsheridan

Words: Jessica Sheridan

When I was 18 I was fat. Not as fat as I am right now, but still generically fat. I had some slight issues with self esteem at the time, but nothing too terrible. Just the usual self-doubt all teenagers go through. But for the most part I could see my positive qualities when I looked in the mirror. I liked my hair. My eyes. My boobs. And my boyfriend at the time could see beauty in me too, and wasn’t bothered by my weight. I was in my first year of my dream degree, I had a good circle of friends, and I was recovering from depression. For the most part, I was happy.

Things changed when I met my boyfriend’s mother.

She had already expressed her dislike for me, despite never having met me. She wanted her son to date someone from the same cultural background as her family, which I understood to some extent. But she seemed to get over it with time and eventually asked to meet me in person. I was hopeful and dressed nicely that day. I was polite, I smiled, I even brought a gift for her. But after accepting my gift, she spoke a single phrase in Mandarin and left the room.

I don’t speak Mandarin, but anyone could have guessed something was wrong. Still, it can’t have been that bad, right? I asked my boyfriend what was wrong and he simply replied that she did not like me. How? How could she not like me? We had barely spoken before she left the room, and I didn’t think it was possible to actively dislike someone without getting to know them first. I grew more concerned the longer he refused to explain what had happened. Had I worn too much make-up? Was my gift wrong? Should I have tried to learn some Mandarin before meeting her? It wasn’t until we were outside his apartment and on our way out for lunch that he finally translated what had happened.

‘She said you’re too fat.’

I didn’t know how to respond. I’d been told I was fat before, countless times. Growing up my parents had regularly tried to pressure me into losing weight because they were worried about my health. But whenever I went to the doctor my physical health was always fine. Eventually I learned to take their comments in stride, because I knew it at least came from a place of love. And of course I had heard the occasional comment from kids during school or strangers on the street, but it never had any real consequences for me.

But this had not come from a place of love. This was not a passing comment in the heat of the moment. ‘You’re too fat.’ I knew I was fat. But I didn’t know I was too fat.

I did what a lot of 18 year olds in my position would have done: I cried my eyes out. My boyfriend told me his mother was wrong and tried to brush it off as unimportant – he didn’t care what his mother thought, so why should I? My parents and friends told me that I didn’t have to lose weight for anyone but myself – I shouldn’t let it get to me.

But it did. I became obsessed with my weight. I started hitting the gym every day for hours at a time, sometimes twice a day. I stopped eating altogether at first, but luckily I had a loving family who intervened before it became a habit. Instead I began counting every calorie, skipped entire meals if I felt bloated, refused to go to parties with friends in case I was tempted to drink or eat something unplanned. I was in my first year of a double degree but I skipped class to be at the gym. In the first month I dropped 12 kilograms.

My family was initially happy to see me losing weight, but they saw my obsession and warned me to slow down. My boyfriend didn’t mention my weight loss at all to me, until one day I asked him if he had noticed my body shrinking. He had of course, but it hadn’t changed what he thought of me. I was still me, no matter my size. Everybody who loved me continued to love me just the same. Yet there I was, entirely focused on losing weight to earn the approval of a person who had deemed me not good enough because of my size.

And I was not happy.

It took me a long time to realize that losing weight for the approval of someone else was never going to be the right way to lose weight. It was never going to make me happy because it wasn’t what I wanted. I had exerted so much energy and time and thought into making myself unhappy. Over time I learned that even if I did lose weight, she would never think I was good enough for her son, and in the end he wasn’t the one for me. But it took repeated attempts at weight loss and a lot of self criticism before I learned that I was better off losing negative people from my life than I was losing numbers from a scale.

People, especially women, are often expected to conform to what other people believe is the ideal body type. People are always commenting on our bodies, as though they are an artwork on display for critique and comment. But while we are all artworks, we aren’t on display for the approval of others. I realised that I should not be changing my body to make other people happy. The only person whose happiness should be affected by my body was me. If other people chose to judge my character on my weight then it was their problem, not mine. It was not my job to alter my artwork to make other people feel comfortable.

This was not a lesson I learned over night, and it definitely wasn’t easy to put into practice. In a lot of ways I am still learning that my weight – and my appearance generally – should only matter to me. Some people seem almost reckless in the way they choose to ostracise and bully people for the most obscure and unimportant things. But what these other people think doesn’t matter. Those that love you, and decent people all around, won’t care about your weight. They won’t care about how you look, because they know that it doesn’t define who you are. You can be a beautiful, happy, and wonderful person worthy of love and respect, and be fat.

If I am already happy not being skinny, then I don’t have to be skinny to be happy.

 

Featured Image: Zac Quitzau Facebook: Zac’s Doodles

The Silhouette of Slut Shaming

Posted on by Noelle Martin

She doesn’t fuck around, she’s a good girl. Ever heard that before? How about ‘look at what she’s wearing, has she no self-respect.’ What about something like, ‘I want a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed.’ Ever heard, ‘she’s elegant and classy, she’s the girl you bring home to your mum,’ or ‘leave a little to the imagination,’ or ‘if you show your legs you can’t show your cleavage, it’s one or the other.’ What about something like, ‘she fucks everyone, she must have some deep-rooted issues.’

What about, ‘she’s a filthy slut’?

All of the above are everyday examples that wreak of ‘slut shaming.’ Slut shaming refers to certain attitudes that criticise, judge and demonise females for violating traditional gender norms about women’s sexuality. It’s the deep rooted sentiment that a woman’s worth is somehow dependent on her ‘flower’ or her sexuality.

Here’s everything that’s wrong with slut shaming:

1- We’re damned if we do, we’re damned if we don’t

When a woman engages in casual sex, she’s a slut. Even if a woman just dates men, it’s assumed she’s sleeping with them, and she’s a slut. Taylor Swift, is infamously known and heavily criticised for dating many men, and she has described herself as a ‘national lightning rod for slut-shaming.’

When a woman says things of a sexual nature she’s a slut- Olivia Melville made headlines when a man posted to Facebook a screenshot of her Tinder profile which contained the rapper, Drake’s lyric, “The type of girl that will suck you dry and then eat some lunch with you,” accompanied with his caption ‘Stay classy ladies.’ Since, the incident Melville has been subject to sexual harassment.

Even when a woman says things that could be inferred as sexual, she’s a slut. When a woman dresses provocatively she’s a slut. Miley Cyrus and Kim Kardashian West to name a few, are demonised for how they choose to dress, to the point that their success and accomplishments are undermined and disregarded.

Essentially anytime a woman expresses her sexuality, she’s a slut. And yes, this is a sexist issue because there is no male equivalent. Women are sluts and men are glorified for the same actions. Slut shaming is a form of sexism and is a sexual injustice.

What’s more, is that for females who don’t necessarily violate traditional gender norms, then their femininity is called into question, they are seen as undesirable and prudish with no sexual desires. So, there’s really no way out for women. We are damned if we do, damned if we don’t.

2- Mixed expectations

The greatest irony of slut shaming is that our culture actively encourages the sexualisation of females. We live in a hypersexualised world where sex sells, yet when a woman embraces her sexuality for herself she’s a slut. So it’s okay for society to dictate how a woman should look, act, dress and behave, but it’s not okay for a woman to dictate how she lives her life. So, really, slut shaming is another way of policing how a woman should live their lives and undermines a woman’s right to personal autonomy.

3- A supposed ‘correlation’ between sex and worth

Slut shaming incorrectly assumes that the way women dress or act is reflective of their self-worth and self-respect. The thing is- women have sexual desires too! Just because a woman sleeps around doesn’t mean they have no self-respect or self-worth, they might just like  sex- it’s really as simple as that.

4- It’s us against the world

Slut shaming can occur at the hands of society, men and yes- women too. Yes- many women, and this is arguably the worst kind of slut-shaming. Women who slut shame other women reinforce this girl on girl hate, when we should be empowering other women, I mean, women already have to face it from the rest of society, we need more female solidarity.  People who have slut shamed others have lost their jobs. A Sydney man Michael Nolan, would call women sluts on Facebook, until feminist writer, Clementine Ford brought it to the public’s attention and he was subsequently fired from his job. But is the court of public opinion in bringing perpetrators of slut shaming to justice enough?  Should there be slut-shaming specific laws in Australia? What would such laws look like? Food for thought.

5- The harm is significant

To be labelled a ‘slut’ diminishes a woman’s worth, respectability, reputation, and reduces her to ‘damaged goods.’

Sadly, it is not uncommon for victims of slut shaming to take their lives because of the harm, humiliation, ridicule and harassment that comes with slut shaming. Advances in technology also make incidents of slut shaming more prevalent and easier to carry out. Revenge porn is a serious example of slut shaming, and involves the spread of sexually explicit material of usually women, typically by ex-lovers, to humiliate and degrade a girl. Victims of revenge porn can experience sexual harassment, depression, humiliation and their employability can be compromised.

6- Perpetuates broader social injustices

Slut shaming has serious social implications as it actually fuels rape culture and victim blaming. The term ‘rape culture’ brings to light how females are blamed for acts of sexual violence committed against them, because of how they dressed or how they behaved. Controversial statements from police officers and politicians have tried to justify incidents of rape by victim blaming a female’s provocative clothing or sexual promiscuity. Which makes the awareness of slut shaming even more important, because it affects a wide range of sexual injustices.

But, things are changing:

Now, luckily there is an emerging movement to reclaim the word ‘slut,’ to rid it from negative connotations and to use it as a tool of women’s sexual empowerment.  Rapper Brooke Candy in a lyric says ‘that it’s time to take the word back slut is now a compliment.’ Amber Rose, a famous player in bringing awareness to slut shaming and reducing the shame around female sexuality created the ‘Amber Rose Slut Walk.’ Furthermore, sex positivity is being encouraged by ‘The Unslut Project’ where people can openly talk about their sexual experiences, free from judgement to work against sexual bullying and slut shaming.

So, if you’re someone who believes that women should have personal autonomy and should be in control of how they live their lives, sexually promiscuous or not, without fear of condemnation and judgment, then slut shaming should be on your radar. Slut shaming affects all women.

For too long women have been told: to be afraid and ashamed of their sexuality; that the sexual woman is the unworthy bad woman. For too long, women have been told how to dress, speak and act. The silhouette of slut shaming is broad, dangerous and not a pretty sight, it is so important to be prepared to speak up if you see, hear or feel it, however trivial the circumstances.

Featured Image: Zac Quitzau. Facebook: Zac’s Doodles

Slaves to Validation

Posted on by Noelle Martin

To seek validation is to seek approval from others or to feel the need to be of value to others. Nobody is immune from the chains of validation, everyone has sought and seeks validation somehow, in some way and to some extent. We seek approval for our decisions, actions, thoughts and everything in between- from our parents, family, friends, employers, colleagues, strangers and broader society. We do it in our everyday lives right through to our online presence. At times, seeking validation is synonymous with attention-seeking. In fact, the role of ‘validation’ in our lives is hardly ever discussed in academic literature, and yet we are all ‘slaves to validation.’

There’s a lot of questions that arise from the concept of validation, like, why does it matter what other people think of us? Can we actually control how others view us? Do we actually own our reputation or is it actually owned by others? What happens to us when we seek validation? Why do we seek validation? Is there a healthy form of validation seeking? Is seeking validation a good or bad thing?

To me, the scariest question of all is, who are we but for what other people say we are? How do we know we’re good kissers but for other people saying we are? How do we know we’re smart or beautiful but for other people saying we are? How do we know our butt looks big in these jeans but for other people’s views? Are human beings inherently a product of the reflections other people have of us?

Let’s examine these questions.

Facebook. Instagram. Snapchat. Twitter. For many, social media is a place for sharing one’s life with friends and family but for others it’s a place for seeking validation from the world. I’m sure some people automatically come to mind. To show how seeking validation can manifest itself online, take Instagram model, Essena O’Neill, who made headlines recently for quitting social media and exposing the truth behind the façade of appearing perfect on Instagram. She said she had a conditional sense of self-worth because she was happy when she looked like the fitness models she looked up to- the beautiful, tan, firm-breasted, thigh-gapped women. Her self-love came from how she looked in photos and posting images was how she validated her life. She claimed that all the world would see is one image, but behind the images are 100 different poses, a good filter, and sticking in your tummy in to appear the way she did on Instagram.

Now, there was a lot of controversy surrounding Essena O’Neill’s “coming out” because people thought it was a scam to get more publicity and a laughable attention-seeking ploy. But even if it was attention-seeking, instead of criticizing her for attention-seeking, we should be asking why she feels the need to get attention, to seek this validation. Why anyone feels the need to seek validation?

There are many reasons why we seek validation, from feeling like we’re not good or that we don’t measure up to society’s impossible standards of what is beautiful or ideal or praise-worthy, or it could come from feelings of neglect during upbringing, bullying, feelings of betrayal from a bad break-up and many more.

 

When we see people attention-seeking or validation-seeking, we shouldn’t criticize, it should really prompt our sympathy above all else because it is so easy to be caught up in the toxic cycle of validation and the cycle goes something like this:

We are told we are not enough. We become insecure and feel that we are not enough. We try to change to be enough. Even if we change we still feel like we’re not enough. So we seek validation to tell us that we are enough and the cycle continues.

What’s worse, is that the economy and society thrive upon us not being enough. Not being thin enough, not being curvy enough. Not being rich enough. Not being muscular enough. Imagine if we all thought we were enough in ourselves, how many industries would go out of business, especially the multi-billion dollar cosmetic industry.

What’s even worse, is that enough is impossible! Enough is unrealistic. Enough is perfection and perfection is impossible to attain. O’Neill’s story, like many others that fall victim to validation shows us what validation seeking does to us, we change ourselves to try and become the person we think the world wants us to be. We are left feeling empty and instead of being filled with self-love, we are left with self-hate. They say we are our toughest critics and while it can be extremely difficult to please ourselves it is impossible to please everyone because there is one truth about humanity, no matter what you say or do, someone will disagree, someone will not like you. As Aristotle puts it “criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing.” So this cycle we find ourselves in is impossible to beat, unless you try to break out of it.

Can we break out of it though? Can we control the way we see ourselves without resorting to validation?

I want you to think of your best physical asset or personality trait. Now, think about why you consider your choice to be your best. You’ll find that it has come from some external source, someone told you that’s what they liked about you or maybe society shows you that’s an ideal so you’ve come to like that about yourself. So really, what are we without the perceptions of others?

And if we really are nothing without the perceptions of others. Can we even control how others think of us? There’s this line of thought that argues that our reputation is not owned by us. Our reputation is solely determined by the views of others. Sure, we can try and change the way people view us, maybe by changing ourselves but ultimately we do not own our reputation.

So what are we, but for the ultimately, uncontrollable perceptions of others. Are we validation’s puppets? Slaves to validation? And if so, how do we free ourselves?

Studies show that the happiest people are the people who accept that they are not perfect and embrace their imperfections. They find perfection in their imperfections. They realise they are enough. This may sound clichéd but it’s true. When you realise you are enough, you learn to love yourself from within, and you garner a strong sense of self-love and self-worth that can resist societal expectations and pressures.

When you free yourselves from the chains of validation you no longer require attention from guys to feel beautiful, you no longer need sex from women to feel validated.  Be warned however, that once you learn to break out of the validation cycle and learn to love yourself from within, you could still face what I’m going to coin “Hopkins Hating.” Yes, it is a reference to Katie Hopkins who believes things like “I don’t believe you can be fat and happy,” it’s the kind of hating that says “you’re living a lie,” how the hell can you be happy-you don’t conform to society’s standards.

On the other hand is seeking validation always a bad thing? The need for approval, validation and likability can be extremely profitable avenues in life- in advertising, brand-management, politics, reality television, entertainment. Really, you can find it almost anywhere. Which begs the question, is there anything inherently wrong with wanting to be liked, wanting validation, and wanting approval? It seems as if it’s part of human nature to want to be liked, to be validated. Maybe we’re really all just egocentric people. It feels good. But the dangerous line you don’t want to cross is where your primary source of self-worth is through external validation.

But what do I know, it’s just some food for thought. What do you think?

Featured Image: Zac Quitzau Fb: Zac’s Doodles

The Anatomy of a Bitch

Posted on by Noelle Martin

Have you ever been called a bitch? Have you ever called someone a bitch? Have you ever thought someone was a bitch? Let’s be real, we could all answer yes to at least one of the above.  A bitch is defined as a “spiteful or unpleasant woman,” but the term is no longer used just to refer to the mean girl in class, the ‘Regina George’ type. It is increasingly being used to refer to women who are outspoken, opinionated, competitive, honest, demanding and dominant, particularly women in positions of power the ‘Miranda Priestly’ type.

So how honest or outspoken can a woman be before their considered a bitch? What extent can they express what they want without coming across as demanding? And why are men who are also in positions of power often seen as assertive whereas women are seen as bossy or bitches. Is it the way women talk, their tone or pitch that is distinct from a man’s voice, is it found in a woman’s mannerisms or appearance, is it influenced by pop culture representations of women in the media, or are we as a society still subconsciously holding onto traditional gender stereotypes where women are expected to be submissive, nurturing and empathetic and men are expected to be dominant and outspoken; and rejecting any departure from these traditional gender roles? Surely not, but let’s explore.

The way men and women communicate varies significantly, women tend to possess a passive-aggressive communication style where they don’t say what they mean because according to psychologists women have been trained to be nice and avoid conflict. . Take the simple example of a man pursuing a woman in a bar, if she’s not interested a woman will often lie that she has a boyfriend or is even a lesbian, or fabricate some excuse in order to be nice, avoid conflict and maintain harmony. If she rejects him by saying she’s not interested, she’s seen as a bitch.  The trend of passive-aggression among women means that when women express something, it is often interpreted differently by the listener, leaving the woman open to misinterpretation possibly causing confusion and tension. Also, for many women, trying to be assertive can easily turn into being either too passive or too aggressive.  So, if you’re passive you’re seen as weak. If you’re aggressive, people are going to think you’re a bitch. But is this the same for men and does this leave assertive communication as the only way for a woman NOT to come across as a bitch?

It seems not. Even if a woman masters the art of assertiveness, being assertive is still seen as a traditional masculine stereotype. Could it be that society is holding onto traditional gender stereotypes, and when a woman possesses traits that are “traditionally masculine traits”, such as being outspoken or competitive are we as a society aren’t willing to accept it? When we explore this idea further we can see the same is true for men. The only time a man is really called a bitch, is when he follows orders instead of making them, when the man is the submissive. A man, who is called a bitch, is a man who is seen to possess feminine qualities. This man is a bitch because he does not conform to traditional notions of what a man should be. Similarly, a woman is called a bitch because she does not conform to what a woman should traditionally be. When we use the word bitch are we subconsciously reinforcing traditional gender stereotypes?

In a world where the majority of men’s voices are louder than women’s and men are bigger and taller than women, it is very difficult for women to climb up the executive ladder or to have their voices heard. In order to raise their voices, women must resort to possessing masculine qualities in positions of power. To succeed in this world, women must “act like a lady, think like a man” but when they finally do, they are still undermined by this word “bitch.”

The word bitch is more damaging to notions of gender than we realise. It also doesn’t help that pop culture portrays outspoken women as bitches, in the movie “10 things I Hate About You,” the opinionated protagonist Kat is referred to as a “heinous bitch.” For all intents and purposes it’s practically irrelevant whether the woman is a nasty, spiteful, unpleasant bitch, because no matter how a woman acts, socially or professionally she cannot avoid being undermined by the word bitch whether she is or not.  Luckily, in recent news a new form of leadership is brewing among white-collar females who are utilising their empathetic and nurturing traits, on a CEO level.

I think before we use the term bitch, we should be aware of what it’s doing to notions of gender. The very application of the word undermines women’s views and voices. It reinforces traditional gender stereotypes and rejects any role reversal among genders. It’s an insult. Alternatively we can take on a different perspective and reclaim the word. We can empower women through the word itself. Sherry Argov does just this in her book “Why Men Love Bitches” describing a bitch as an “empowered woman who derives tremendous strength from the ability to be an independent thinker, particularly in a world that still teaches women how to be self-abnegating. This woman doesn’t live someone else’s standards, only her own.”

To bitch or not to bitch?

Featured Image: Zac Quitzau Fb: Zac’s Doodles